Last June via a series of clicks on the web a strange notion settled in my head. I would walk the Camino Santiago and this is strange, because I identify as atheist and usually stay as far away as possible from any type of religious activity. After I had determined that I would go, I determined that I would make this contingent on the giant project of doom on which I was very stuck. This was before
I realized my doctor forced me to see that I was in no way fit to work on giant project of doom, or anything for that matter.
So yah, I had a brilliant idea and I pulled a Wen Zen on it and made it secondary to this other thing that isn’t as important to me, hoping that this important thing would pull me through the deep dark scary forest that is the giant project of doom. I could cry at the stupidity of it. It is every bit as stupid as Vrederick, my failure monster, trying to keep me out of that forrest, to protect me from hurt, by telling me of all my past failures and how I am not good enough.
So last week I decided I would dissolve the connection between giant project of doom and walking the camino. I decided that I would start on April 4th and finish on April 26th and that I would just go and see what happens and trust that whatever happens needs to happen. It is a big scary trust, so strange and shiny.
Of course Wen Zen is not going away. Right now he is trying to make the trip contingent on permission, as if a 29yo needed permission to take three weeks off to walk. Alternatively he is trying to make it contingent on actually having the money to do the trip. This last, my realistic self tells me, might actually be a problem. My realistic self is listening to Wen Zen.
But I’m not having any of it. I am telling Wen Zen to stop right here. I brandish my big shiny scary trust in his general direction and tell him that the universe will provide, that if people out there are meant to help me they will and if I am to walk the way like a mendicant then I will. I will walk and I will savor every breath and say prayers for my monsters and my heroes, I will light candles for my family, friends and anyone who asks me to. I will send postcards full of silent bliss and do whatever else feels right, because this sure does.
If you would like a candle lit in your name, tell me. Tell me if you would like a postcard. Also, if you want to help an atheist mendicant on her journey contact me.