Me: Hello Sadness
Me: Will you talk to me?
Sadness: I could, but what’s the point?
Me: There might be none, but we might as well talk as not talk.
Sadness: I guess.
Me: So what are you about?
Sadness: *sigh* does it matter?
Me: Yes. I want to be able to do something about it.
Sadness: So you can get rid of me?
Me: No. Yes, I guess.
Sadness: Why do you want to get rid of me?
Me: Because you are uncomfortable, because I should be happy, because I have all this support and still I am sad.
Sadness: I don’t see support?
Me: You know S and M and Mom and even A a little bit, though well actually he isn’t very supportive.
Sadness: You aren’t very supportive.
Me: Supportive of others you mean?
Sadness: Of yourself. You have no faith in yourself and you don’t support your endeavours. You always think. And you think so long and so hard that you’ve convinced yourself you are unworthy. If you were hiring, you wouldn’t hire yourself.
Me: But I’m not supposed to hire myself. Others are supposed to hire me.
Sadness: If you won’t hire yourself, why should others? And without employing yourself, how would you ever be successful doing your thing?
Me: I can hope.
Sadness: Hope without faith is empty. If you do not have faith that your hope will be fulfilled, then you are carrying with you an empty wish. It is only balast.
Me: I am hoping for the mercy of others. I hope they see more in me than is there.
Sadness: How sad.
Me: Yes. I would wish to hope for others to see me shining instead.
Sadness: What needs to happen for that?
Me: I need to shine.
Sadness: What if I told you that you already do?
Me: I can’t see it. I don’t believe that I shine.
Sadness: Because you are covering it up. You want your brightness to be like other peoples brightness.
Me: It’s what I have to guide me.
Sadness: Guiding is different. You want to be imitating and find yourself sadly lacking the ability to imitate.
Me: Being me is really hard though and what if I am me in the wrong ways?
Sadness: There is no wrong way to be you. And by definition you are right for your thing. And by definition you are right for the right job for you. Anything else is just experimenting.
Me: Like looking in a lake to see a reflection of me.
Sadness: Or looking in a mirror. Remember when we worked on letting you body be the way it is, loving it and having faith in it?
Me: We looked in a mirror a lot, or the shop window and caught a reflection of something we liked. And we found clothes that fit our body and gave away the clothes that didn’t suit us. And we like the body much better now, and we take care of it and listen to it. We also felt it. Felt how the wind caught in the soft hairs on our legs, or the way sweat beaded and then ran down our cleavage. We felt what it was like after sleeping and after running and all sorts of things and we found that it was actually pretty strong.
So if I want to see my light then I look in other mirrors. The kind that mirror that, like writing job applications, like teaching and talking to friends, like making new friends. What other mirrors are there?
Sadness: I am a mirror. I show you the incongruence. I am there when you cover up your light.
Me: so you aren’t there to tell me I am insufficient and lacking, but to tell me to be more myslef and to have more faith in myself?
Sadness: I am your faith in yourself. And if you push me away then I become a weight that feels like sadness.
Me: Oh. So actually there is faith, just shoved away in a corner so that I don’t have to be all bright and glowy?
Faith: yes. and I also am the light.
Me: Oh. and I can hold you and grow you and you will become all light and buoyed by you I can shine all bright to all the lands?
Me: That sounds wonderful
Faith: But you can’t quite believe it.
Me: No, but I will look in the mirror. And then the next. until I do.